


Wings Can't Carry The Weight of A Heart

by Vendetta23



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Dean, Angst, Bonding, Castiel In Love, Fluff, Formless Castiel, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sam and Cas - Freeform, Sam and Castiel - Freeform, Sastiel - Freeform, Trauma Recovery, Traumatized Sam, angel - Freeform, possible sex, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7400104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vendetta23/pseuds/Vendetta23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam ran away, again. After comming to understand that his relationship with Dean was making his very soul ill, the man started running and never turned his head back. Dean more than prayed - he demanded that Castiel would look for his brother and bring him back, but Cas had his head and his heart on the right place, and other plans in his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holy Heart

**Author's Note:**

> *Dramatic and sad music with drums and low piano chords* I am a horrible person that never finishes anything and has trouble with schedules, so I am going to try and write this hole thing through but, honestly, expect me to fail. But hey the only thing that matter is that you and I have fun after all!

"Well then go!" Dean waved his arm in the air while turning his back to Castiel who had just popped out of nowhere to attend to Dean's prays. Dean had just spat something about a fight and Sam gone missing right before commanding Castiel to find him and bring him back.

"What were you two fighting about?" Castiel asked, receiving then that look from Dean that remembered him that things shouldn't be questioned, but obeyed. It was like that with Dean.

"I don't know, Cas. Sam is never happy with anything so I suspect that it was about Sam being Sam" he gave Castiel a crooked smile "And I don't care".

So Castiel found himself somewhere between earth and heaven, a silent place he used to go when things got too noisy, too human, without a clue about how he got there. It had happened again, he presumed, he had traveled almost instantly to that place as if his mind was in the verge of being torn into pieces and just before shutting off it pressed an angelical emergency button that led him far away from anyone. And then he would wake up floating in the void, with nothing on his mind but a soft buzz and no weight above his shoulders but thin air.

"I don't know what to do" he whispered, not a prayer because there was no God to listen, nor a cry for help because he did not need it. He was reflecting, he was looking for the answer within himself because he was tired of seeking it in others, being they Dean of God. Castiel realized how beautiful his voice sounded when he was formless, his vessel hidden away in some part of his being because now he didn't have to show himself to humans who would have their eyes set on fire just by looking at him. He was formless, he was floating, and his angelical voice formed waves in the air that would expand and go around the whole world. And he had doubts.

The only things that Castiel ever understood was obedience, and the first thing he learned to do - as in act upon something - was to deify it. So Dean's voice just sounded like the ones that came from somewhere upstairs in heaven and that he didn't comprehend, but shaped his life until he learned to think for himself. Yes, that once resulted in power lust, but now he knew better, he _was_ better. So Castiel reflected above the clouds, reflected upon his wishes - because now he had them -, upon Sam's state - the torned up kid -, and upon the nature of Dean's command. Castiel came to the conclusion that Dean didn't know nor want what was best for his brother. Cas was inflated with the feeling of injustice, the wish to right the wrongs and with something else he couldn't explain, a warm feeling that lighted up his formless chest and that made him turn his head to the exact location Sam was hiding, a caring look printed on his face.


	2. Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wheels were screaming, and so was Sam's soul as he was getting far from that place.

The wheels sang and screamed against the rough asphalt of the road. It had just stopped raining, a cold and violent rain that had wet Sam's hair while he was looking despairingly for a car to steal in the parking lot of the motel he and his brother had been staying in. His hair was still wet as he launched the car into the night. He didn't even to watch where he was going, or to bring anything with him but the wallet which was already in his pocket. Now Sam felt like he was letting himself be ridden by the night, because he could not ride it now, nor himself. The world was dripping through his fingers, and he could not grasp it even if he felt his hands squeezing the wheel with full strenght.

 

Castiel was flying by the side of the car, a blue Chevrolet, and watching silently as Sam wiped his tears on his coat. Even when his grace was gone he did not feel so impotent, he was now at full power, he could heal wounds, erase memories, travel at the speed of light, stretch his wings so they would reach twenty feet from one point to another, but he could do nothing to ease human suffering. Worst, he could do nothing to erase Sam's suffering. So he kept flying by his side, invisible but there for sure. Where else could he be when Sam had now within himself all that Castiel was looking for?

 

Sam was more than crying, he was bursting into tears and barely could see the road ahead of him - not that he cared. Rage had flowered within him like he had never seen before, not even with the demon blood, he felt like he was drowning in it. He knew this day would come sooner or later, he had just been sweeping the idea to a dark corner of his mind this whole time, but it had always been there, making itself present each time Dean called Sam a monster, hit him, locked him up. He knew he would have to leave, for his own sake. He loved Dean more than anything, and that's why he stayed for so long, but he couldn't stand the screaming, the blaming, the shamming anymore. It wasn't right, it was making him rot from inside out. His brother was just so full of anger that he stained everything he touched, including Sam, and now the man that had a heart bursting with compassion was scared to sleep at night because the nightmares were so horrendous. Sam stayed around long enough to see that he was going to be broken in the process of fixing someone that didn't want to be fixed. So be it, he decided. And he ran away.

 

They were crossing a lake, a magnificent pool of translucent water that had numerous pines surrounding it. It was a beautiful image, and Cas could grasp it because he could see the past and future of certain things that had such an extended existence that the days that passed by and the ones that would come were imprinted in the veil of time. So Castiel could see the lake just before the Sun went down in that same day, and he felt blessed for being on Earth. 

 

Of course Sam didn't get to flee before he had his biggest fight with Dean. It wasn't the biggest in the sense that someone got hurt, but in the sense that Sam was so damn tired that he couldn't find the strenght to raise his voice above a whisper, and so Dean went on and on talking about how he was a monstruous thing and how he needed to be controled, and how he couldn't be trusted. And Sam just stood there, feeling chunks of him being taken away, and he could do nothing about it. It was when he realized that he could do something about it, and that idea that was constantly swept to the back of his mind came in. Sam just turned his back to Dean and opened the door to the parking lot. In that moment, Dean went mute, he was truly shocked on how his little brother could turn his back on him, how he would not listen and how he couldn't control him anymore. That's when Sam closed shut the door behind him.

 

The blue Chevrolet pulled over in a huge dumpster - oh, it was actually a motel - by the road. Sam turned off the engine and took a deep breath, leaning his head against the seat just for a bit before checking in, Castiel could look at his hair locks for a moment before materializing in the seat besides him.

 

"Hello, Sam".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, it's so nice to imagine Castiel formless, above the clouds, just being a magnificent angel...


End file.
